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“I’ve never turned down a role. So why would I turn down the Presidency?,” says Cage. The actor announced his bid on Tuesday with a well oiled forehead and leather jacket. When asked by a reporter why voters should elect him, he responded, “If you have seen my movies you know I’ve found the National Treasure. Twice.”
Former CEO of American Apparel Doug Charney, fresh off Unemployment, has high hopes of reforming America’s policy on foreign manufacturing. Charney’s campaign manager, 14-year old lingerie model Madison Taylor, says, “Charney Headquarters is on fleek! The ‘No Ugly Policy’ really keeps it freshie.”
The Georgia native announced her candidacy in response to the success of Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move!” program. “The current administration has spent the last eight years trying to get kids healthy - I want to get them happy!,” squeals Deen. “This nation is a mess and nothing will fix it like a slatherin’ of good ole’ Southern hospitality.” Deen’s campaign headquarters in Atlanta even boasts all-you-can eat biscuits and an all African American volunteer staff to “make it feel more authentic.”
Tom from MySpace
The press conference in downtown L.A was a flurry of speculation last week when reporters gathered for what was thought to be MySpace Tom’s first public appearance since 2010. After losing default “first friend” position on MySpace five years ago, Tom has been off-the-grid in the woods of Los Angeles. Instead of announcing his bid for the White House in person, Tom projected his original 2003 MySpace Profile picture and listed his Top 8 campaign advisors. He ended the brief announcement by sending a message to voters, “This time around, America, I’m going to need you to friend me.”
When the FBI and SCC were tipped off last month that Madoff may be running another Ponzi scheme from inside Butner Federal Correctional Institution, they began investigations. “Weeks of digging turned up no evidence of financial or securities fraud,” says FBI Officer James Glenn. “Turns out the guy is just signing up to run for President.” Pundits are questioning the legitimacy of Madoff’s campaign since his 11 federal felonies technically make him ineligible for the ticket. However, the Federal Election Commission published a statement on Monday declaring:
"After careful review of Mr. Madoff’s bid for the 2016 Presidential election, we have concluded that despite his criminal history, a dishonest, wealthy, Caucasian male should never be denied his right for power - including the Presidency."
According to his assistant, Gibson fell into “an enraged and intoxicated rant” Monday morning upon hearing that the FEC had approved Bernie Madoff’s bid for the 2016 election. The episode became so heated that his assistant began an audio recording, which now serves as his official campaign announcement:
“Fucking Jews. They fucking ruin everything. You know what this country needs?! Fucking Freeeeeedom! Not another Jew in power. And I’m going to give it to them. Watch me. Watch me do it. I’ll fucking do it!! Mel for 2016 mother fuckers!! I’ll show those little puss boys what a leader is.”
Still on a confidence-high from his recent April victory over Filipino sweetheart Manny Pacquiao, Mayweather is training for what he hopes to be his greatest match of all time: a fight for the Presidency. Analysts believe Floyd "Money" Mayweather has a very good chance of beating his opponent, especially if it's a woman. Despite being the highest paid athlete in the world, he is not following the lead of Donald Trump in funding his own campaign. Rather, Mayweather posted a check from his promoter for $72,276,000.00 and Tweeted:
"This is my Money. I earned it. Legally. You want me to be President? Fund me.
The Tweet was accompanied with a link to his election campaign's Kickstarter page.
When O’Donnell abruptly departed "The View" in 2015, just months after her return, she claimed it was for ‘personal reasons.’ This week, the exit strategy became clear as she told a crowd in Times Square that she will be the First Openly Obnoxious President of the United States. She vows to make sure another Bush doesn’t sit in the Oval Office and to confiscate every gun in America - even toy ones. Her supporters met her with cheers as she threw Koosh balls into the crowd. She then invited her 1996 “boy toy” Tom Cruise on stage and announced that he will be her running mate as Barbara Streisand was not available.
“I’m one fierce bitch.” That is how a demure and stern Tyra Banks started off her announcement speech last Friday. The former supermodel, TV personality, entrepreneur and Harvard educated candidate seems unstoppable in her race for the White House, and will only be accepting campaign donations from Oprah Winfrey. A spokesperson for Banks said she is “truly saddened” to see Michelle Obama leaving the White House. Banks saw the First Lady as a much needed example of style and confidence for the American woman.
“Look me in the eyes,” Banks demanded of the crowd, “I will do everything in my power to keep that scowling, periwinkle pantsuit wearing granny from filling the closet of the White House with atrocities. Step aside Hillary! You are no longer in the running to become America’s Next Top President.”
The self-proclaimed "Mayor of Flavortown" has his sights set on a higher office. Fieri made the announcement on live TV during an appearance on The Today Show. During a summer BBQ segment with Al Roker, Fieri wrapped his mouth around a Habanero Blue Cheese Bacon Cheeseburger Chimichanga, took a bite and while still chewing said. “You gotta taste this America! And I’m not talking about the explosion of happy little flavor sperm in my mouth. I’m talking about me - Guy - for President of the Americans.” Fieri will be setting off on his campaign tour in a food truck next month where he will force each swing state to attempt to give him a heart attack.
The celebrity blogger naturally announced his aim for a 2016 election on his own Twitter.
FEUD ALERT!!! THIS guy is going to debate his way to the @WhiteHouse! @jebbush @hillaryclinton @realDonaldTrump #Perez4Prez #America
Hilton’s campaign promises more transparency from U.S. politics if he is elected. Proposed strategies include a dedicated Twitter hashtag for senators to express their frustrations during filibusters and a confessional room where White House cabinet members can record and broadcast their true feelings. Hilton is courting musician Taylor Swift as his running mate and has what he calls “A flat out fabulous tour full of DRAMA!!!” planned for the summer.
Vick was once the famed face of football. Now, at 35 years old, he sits as the Jet’s unsigned backup quarterback. Until yesterday, that is. Upon hearing the news that the FEC approved fellow felon Bernie Madoff’s 2016 bid, Vick knew he had to fetch the Presidency.
However, his off-field antics left him bankrupt so he turned to fellow animal lover Bob Barker for support. It took some convincing, but 91 year-old Barker agreed to be his running mate on the condition that, if elected, their term goal would be to spay or neuter each and every NFL player.